It's quiet in the house. It's not too late, but I'm the only one awake. I put Dexter to bed earlier, Suzie's asleep in our bed and Buckaroo is cuddled up next to me. I'm crying quite a bit right now. Suzie bought a present for me for Father's Day. It's a book I wanted called, The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I finished it in two days. It's about a father and his son. It's about painful decisions a father has to make in order to find a better life for his son in a difficult world.
I love Dexter. There is no ambiguity to that, nor should there ever be any question to it. I love him more than I love myself. I will do anything for him. Just like my father did for me and that's what I think makes me so sad, hopeful and loving and much more all at the same time. I miss my pop, but I know that I can talk to him whenever I want and in my heart, I can hear him. I know he is watching me continue to grow and watching Dexter grow every day. Whenever I get sad about my dad not physically being with us, I am always brought back to the day that he met Dexter and asked me, "Can I hug him?". I will always carry that moment with me because of not only the love he showed for Dexter, but for the love he had for me. I miss you pop. I really do.
I'm not a perfect man/husband/father and I never claim to be. I try to do what's right and will continue to do so. I'm saying this, not to solicit anyone's input to the contrary. I'm saying this for myself, not for any validation.
I don't normally write this much, but if you're reading this, you know it's a little out of context for this blog. Don't get me wrong, it's always about Dexter, but thought I'd share how I feel right now. But I guess when it comes down to it, I did write this for my love of Dexter. So it is about Dexter...
I love Dexter. There is no ambiguity to that, nor should there ever be any question to it. I love him more than I love myself. I will do anything for him. Just like my father did for me and that's what I think makes me so sad, hopeful and loving and much more all at the same time. I miss my pop, but I know that I can talk to him whenever I want and in my heart, I can hear him. I know he is watching me continue to grow and watching Dexter grow every day. Whenever I get sad about my dad not physically being with us, I am always brought back to the day that he met Dexter and asked me, "Can I hug him?". I will always carry that moment with me because of not only the love he showed for Dexter, but for the love he had for me. I miss you pop. I really do.
I'm not a perfect man/husband/father and I never claim to be. I try to do what's right and will continue to do so. I'm saying this, not to solicit anyone's input to the contrary. I'm saying this for myself, not for any validation.
I don't normally write this much, but if you're reading this, you know it's a little out of context for this blog. Don't get me wrong, it's always about Dexter, but thought I'd share how I feel right now. But I guess when it comes down to it, I did write this for my love of Dexter. So it is about Dexter...
posted by Dexter at 10:41 PM
3 Comments:
What a beautiful tribute to your father ! Can’t help but cry happy, sad, joyful,hopeful and loving tears when I read it. I just got in from working in our backyard garden. Not a moment passes by without me thinking of your father. Since Sunday(was it the day the Lakers won ?)when you called to announce the Lakers’ victory that I have been unusually sensitive, touchingly nostalgic.I feel how you felt then-ten seconds after the Lakers won, all you could think of was calling your father like you used to. Only he is not here anymore. I cried,but I did not want you to know. And since then I have been spending my mornings among my plants and flowers. I feel your father’s presence intensely during these times; and like what you do I talk with him and in my heart and mind I hear him answer me.”Painful decisions a father has to make in order to find a better life for his son….”October 19, 1969, your father left you, a nineteen-day old baby to find a better future for you and your brothers. Decided to work graveyard shift so he could take care of you while I worked a full eight-hour job.
And so many other,at times painful decisions we had to make. And yes, everything revolves around Dexter who is our love, our future. Your father was dying and yet told you to go home and take care of Dexter, love Dexter the way he loves you. You were hurt, but can you imagine how painful a decision it was for your father ! I cried after you were gone as he reminded me that your foremost responsibility is to your family. And for me, for us to let your Pop go because we did not want him to suffer or be in pain…all of these, and more came rushing back. And I cried, more for you, but also for myself. I miss him, and I know I will continue to miss him
But then there is Dexter who in a bitter-sweet way reminds us all of your Pop .
Your father showed you how a father loves and cares. And to his honor and my great pride you are an outstanding son and a wonderful , caring, and loving father.
Happy Father’s Day, son….
Mom
I love you, Ramon
It is amazing that after all the years we've stayed in touch that our fathers ended up reconnecting us in such a significant way. My heart broke reading your blog, Ramon. Like you, I find when I am alone that I think of my dad and shed many tears. I find my sad memories are slowly being replaced by the happy ones and I hope that is happening for you and your family, too. Keep your dad's memory alive for Dexter - that is the best way to honor him.
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